It’s been a month since my mom died, and like cheese, the pain of the loss ripens with time. There’s really no good words to describe the kind of longing you feel for someone who has passed. I wasn’t familiar with it before, as my only other significant loss was that of our smelly family bassett hound, Lucy. She was a great dog, but she once had a skin disease that she passed on to my mom. Also she once had maggots.
So this is all new to me. New and not fun.
Some days are good, like yesterday, which was sunny and warm. I did yoga and ate frozen yogurt. Other days suck in the worst way, and I do yoga and drink wine, beer, and the occasional white russian.
When my mom died I started doing weird little things to honor her memory. When I drive I try to be more respectful of the other drivers, I use my blinker and try not to tailgate. I am attempting to be nicer to (idiot) cab drivers and (fucking dumb retarded) slow people at registers, as my mom was unfailingly pleasant to all people. I will stay out of credit card debt.
But above all, I am trying to get organized. My mom was so patient with all the disorder that surrounded me, and was always trying to get me organized, even while she was sick. I’ve never once been organized in my life, ever, and it can really make you feel nuts. Currently, Anthony and I live (and love) in a tiny, cramped world of clutter and cat hair. We’re not pack rats, we just own too many plates and pens and let the mail pile up. My compulsive hoarding of clothes, shoes and bags (and scarves, belts, bathing suits, scented lotions, perfume and stationery) only adds to the problem. So I shamelessly trolled the self help section of Barnes & Noble and bought a book. Not The Secret, though I secretly want to read it.
I bought this dorky book by this O-Approved lady.
I’ve been reading and underlining and yesterday started to dig in, tackling the pile of clothes in front of my dresser before getting to the actual overflowing drawers. So far I have about seven garbage bags full of clothes (the dresser is now empty) organized by type of clothing – skirts/dresses, coats, sweaters, long-sleeve shirts, short-sleeve shirts, tank tops, shorts, pants, underwear and socks. Hm. I guess that makes nine bags, and it’s probably ten as the pants took up two bags.
See my problem?
Anyway, please wish me luck. Because I’d really love to have friends over to my apartment one day. And I’d love to be able to find my passport. But mostly I’d like to make my mom proud.