Archive for April, 2007

Goodbye Girls


Recently I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about some serious things in my life. Mainly, my loyalty to Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan.

I’ve been an avid ironi-fan of these two for a while, adoring their every insane move.
Getting stoned and driving the wrong way on the highway? LOVE IT!
Not eating for three weeks? BRING IT ON!
I love these crazy, boney thugz.

But recently I read this story about Lohania breaking into to some former pal’s house and stealing $10,000 worth of her clothes. The tale goes on to include Ms. Richie, who prank called the girl after. The girl, model Lauren Hastings, dated Richie’s ex, DJ Am, after he dumped her skeleton.
If there was any question about the validity of the story, Hastings posted a response to the whole ordeal on her MySpace blog, our generation’s Meet The Press.

I’ve begun to realize exactly what my heart didn’t want me to see: that Lindsay and Nicole are crazy, devilish bitches who have had sad lives that have left them hungry for attention – and hungry for food. They are not misunderstood lost little girls. They are some crazy, fucked up bitches whose nasty actions have zero consequences.
My point: they are the girls who made my life scary and horrible in ninth grade.

So, I think I’m done. I’m going to find bigger wastes to focus my adoring eye on. Because I can not support their actions any longer. And also, Nicole is getting really beat looking. She showed up at the Australian MTV Awards looking like this:


And when you are out-hotted at an event by Pink and Fergie, you know there’s a major problem.

The News

There was a lot oh hoopla about Rosie leaving The View yesterday. I read it on TMZ late the night before, and ended up pushing my drive to Boston back by an hour so I could experience the departure. And then I moved on. Because there are more important things to focus on, and really, didn’t we know this was cominig way back in January? Good for Rosie. She would rather be doing crafts with four year olds anyway.

Also there are more important things to talk about. Don’t get it twisted, I’m a loyal Ro-ist, but I’m practical. It’s back to the Tits and Ass for me. In this case, it’s an Ass-Face.


Yes, that’s right! It’s Heidi from the Hills with her new nose and hooters! Ahd she looks….worse? More bland? Just like everyone else? But who cares right! Her boobies are so massive, boyfriend Spencer can easily lose his balls in them.
That is – if he has any at all.

Feel The Gun On Your Temple

I understand, Jason. This is how I feel when watching The Hills, too.

The Ugliest Pants Ever (I have to buy a pair!)

Attention Celebrities.

Please keep wearing pants like this. Don’t ever stop. Throw out your skinny jeans, recycle those bootleg Sevens from 2002. The future is here, in the shape of a Pant-Diaper, and it looks GREAT on your ass. Why? Because it makes the rest of us average hos look bangin’ next to this shit. Your tiny rexie thighs look monstrous in those things. It’s a MIRACLE! God has heard my call, The Secret is working. I’ve been visualizing the downfall of your below-the-waist area, and finally my dream has become reality.

Not to mention, your camel-toe looks finger lickin’ good.



[source: DListed, my favorite!]

What Happens When People Stop Being Polite

I’m cheating on this blog over at New York Magazine’s awesome new culture blog Vulture. I’m writing the weekly reality TV update – because someone’s got to watch Taquita & Kaui, and that someone is ME.

I love reality TV!

I’m On Vacation

Check out all my friends to the left while I am away.



The funniest thing to me about this whole Imus drama – besides how ugly he is – is that my mom used to be a big Imus fan during the 90’s. A huge fan. I had gotten her into listening to Howard Stern – my shock jock of choice – but she’d sometimes secretly sneak back over to Imus and sit by her radio in the kitchen eating Cheerios and chuckling.

Now, seeing as most people here do not know my mom, let me start by saying that among many other things, she was a very liberal feminist. When she was pregnant she’d go to pro-choice rallies (I think she liked the effect of being a pregnant lady who was for the right to an abortion) and as a kid I’d always try to wear her neon pink “CHOICE” hat because I loved the color. I’ve been wondering what she’d think of this current controversy and I’m pretty sure she’d be horrified, like most of us are. The fact that the targets of his words were positive young women probably would have pissed her off even more.

But since I’ll never know, I’m always going to remember her as an Imus fan. She never could tell me why she liked Imus, but she was so committed to the show that she bought an official piece of Imus merchandise, a hefty jean jacket with a giant American flag on the back. And she wore it a lot – all the while greeted by mortified glares from her teenage daughter – in between her more New England-y outfits.

My mom would probably be annoyed that I was telling the web-world this, as it only speaks to a teeny tiny piece of who she was from a certain time in her life. But it’s something about her that I love, unexplainable yet strong, and I think it’s a nice example of all our human layers. We can be a lot of things, and it doesn’t always fit nicely with everything else about us. I’ve loved Howard Stern since I was fourteen, and majored in Women’s Studies when I was in college. The contradiction used to drive my male roommate Tyler crazy, and he’d yell at me as I’d watch Howard’s E show from our couch.”I don’t get it!” He’d shout. “You’re a feminist and this guy is degrading women and talking about their boobs! how does it not bother you!”

Some things did bother me, but overall I loved the show so much (and still do). I remain devastated that I am currently too poor to own Sirius radio. I think about what I’m missing on Howard every day. Especially now – Howard, unlike my mom, hates Imus.

Ho Knows Best

I hate almost everyone (no Lindsay, not you) but I have a soft spot for Hulk offspring Brooke Hogan, who is constantly getting blog-bashed for her tranny stylings. Even when she is without makeup, people like to pick on her.

I can’t help but like the girl. Brookie is the daughter of a fake wrestler with roid-muscles, so of course she’s going to turn out huge. And she’s tall, and tall people suffer a lot in life (ahem). Plus, every woman I’ve ever seen from Florida dresses like they’re tucking a dick between their legs! She’s in good company.

Yes, she wears neon outfits on Hogan Knows Best, but let’s be honest here, if I were fabulously big, blonde and virginal at eighteen, I would too.


[picture sources: Perez, DListed]

When Anorexia Makes Me Sad

Wow. Standing next to Jenna Jameson, Paris Hilton looks like virginal fat ass. Poor Jenna. Her Veej is the biggest thing on her skeleton.


If You Didn’t Hear Me The First Time

I’m saying it again – Pinkberry is DELICIOUS.

I just had my second PB, a small plain with raspberries, blueberries and blackberries. And it was HEAVEN. Like an all-day marathon of The Real Housewives of Orange County.
Only more natural tasting.

April 2007

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