Archive for March, 2007

Britney Inches Her Way Back To Normal

Okay. Phew. I’m going to try not to get excited here, going to try not to freak out. But I’m sweating. I’M SWEATING! we go…Britney-phew. Britney showed up at a Lakers game in Los Angeles looking HOT! Human! Kind of wigged out and adorable!


All on the night her divorce went final. Way to go Brit. Baby steps!

The Prettiest Woman In The World

Nothing much to say here, just that Dita Von Teese is ridiculously gorgeous. Right?


GuTTenberg! The Man!

Sometimes life is awesome. Like Steve Guttenberg walking by the marquee for Anthony and Scott’s show, Gutenberg! The Musical!, seeing the show and making this video with them. Nuts!

A Long Story

I was just googling “polyp pea colon cancer commercial” in response to this comment from the always hilarious Liz, and came across this article on some website called BellaOnline.

The sotry was written by BellaOnline’s “Stomach Issues Editor” Caramy Spencer. SPENCER! She is into yoga and healthy foods and homeopathic medicine, just like me! And she’s kind of cute too:

So, seeing as we’re probably fourth cousins, I clicked on her bio to learn more about my new BFF Caramy. Turns out she’s a Canadian transplant living in Dallas with her hubs and two kids. The best part is that her adorable kids, perhaps unbeknownst to them all, are named after two colleges here in Boston, Bentley and Emerson. Seriously. SO AMAZING and kind of ridiculous.

As far as I can tell from her bio, she has zero attachment to the Boston area, except of course, through me.

I must learn more about my long lost Caramy! Too bad the website that she listed – – doesn’t seem to be up and running yet. Must be all those stomach issues.

Summer In The City

Ugh. What a slow news week, eh? No crazy celebrity fuck fests, car accidents, club exit falls….I’M LOST WITHOUT THEIR RETARDATION!

Seriously the best thing I could find is that the Sex And The City movie is actually going to get made. And I kind of care that Jenna Jameson’s vag tightening surgery didn’t do the deed, but is that much of a surprise? I bet we find Osama Bin Laden before that V-Hole retains its pre-eight billion rounds of penetration shape and size.

But you know what? I almost don’t care. Because what I am most excited about is the weather. Summer is about to take a nice, hot, steamy dump on all of us, and I can’t wait! It’s sixty degrees, the birds are chirping, the teens are drunk driving, and I’ve changed my MySpace song to match the mood.

The Things I Most Excited For About Summer

– The Smell Of Urine
– Men Peeing On The Streets At All Hours Of The Day
– Men Peeing On My Doorstep So It Seeps Into My Apartment Building’s “Lobby”
– Stepping In The Pee Of Men Who I Do Not Know
– Awkward Conversations With The Men Whose Pee I’m Standing In
– Feet That Smell Like Random Men’s Pee

I love summer in New York! Bring it on, global warming!

Stuff You Don’t Care About But Will Help You Get Laid

Today marks my debut writing College Humor’s weekly celebrity gossip column by the above name. The awesome powers that be over at CH were kind enough to let me join in their fun, and now I get to dish about Lindsay Lohan on a weekly basis (on a second website)!

Seriously, all my dreams are slowly coming true. Now if I can only share a drink with LiLo by my thirtieth birthday, I can move to the suburbs happy.
Also, I still need that summer house on the Vineyard.

Anyway, please head over to College Humor and CHECK IT OUT.
And stay a while, they have a ton of hilarious stuff over there – like this video from my friends’ new show on MTV, Human Giant, and this photo entitled “snow phallus” from some of my fellow Batesies. Sigh. College sure was awesome.

Can You Hear Me Now?

I’ve been stuck on Verizon for over five years now with good service but shitty phones. I’ve loathed every phone I’ve ever gotten from them, in particular my current mobile chatting device, the demonic Motorola Q. The Q is a mess. I had to buy the extended battery as the one it came with died in hours (the extended isn’t much better). I had to return the first one I bought after a week because it was malfunctioning like mad. When I went into the store about a month after purchasing the second phone to complain about the strange things it was doing – the 2/e button stopped working, for example – the salesperson laughed in my face because of how many complaints they were getting. Then she told me they’d have to reload all the software on my phone, deleting all my contacts, texts, photos, etc. None of this stuff is backed up because Motorola did not make the Q compatible with Macs. The 2/e button is still not working.

Anyway, I am an idiot for buying this piece of shit.

But the rumors are that Verizon is coming out very soon with a sexy Blackberry, complete with camera and GPS system.

I am praying. Hard.

Back On Track

My Flickr page has been reborn.
Or rather, it’s in the middle of a really long labor.

Sick Of Rumers

I am a true believer that you end up a lot like your parents. Do I peruse the latest LL Bean catalogue for the hottest tapered fashions? Yes. Do I leave things on top of the car and drive off with them still up there? Yes. Am I a sexy genius? Yes.


So it doesn’t bother me, nor do I care, that the eighteen year-old monster that is Bruce and Demi’s daughter Rumer is letting a thirty year-old man stick his dry and cracking, went to college in 1992, I’m only hot because I’m on that dumb Heroes show, fingers inside of her. Because Mommy and Daddy did some fucked up shit. Like the required boning of people within at least a fifteen year age difference. And also, cocaine.

[source, picture]

Turn To The Left!

Sussy passed on this link from her co-worker, to some New York Times Style Section photo slideshow. I’m not sure what the spread is about, because I have no style! I’m already expressing my loyalty to comfortable shoes, and I haven’t even hit menopause yet. But anyway, they tell me this is fashion, so I’ll believe it when I see it at H&M for a low and reasonable sweat-shopped price.

Ugh. I think I just hershey squirted. Can you hershey squirt out of your vagina?
I don’t know, but it felt like something definitely came out. I heard a loud plop on the floor, we probably need a mop or something.


You guys…SERIOUSLY. I haven’t eaten since like Christmas. That’s like three months! Guys? Just one toe. Please?

No way. Really? It’s mine? I don’t want it. Well can’t you just take it back to the pet store or Target or wherever you got it? Oh. It came from where? Oh, gross.

March 2007

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