Ya’ll caught me in costume! No I’m not batshit crazy, I’m just auditioning for an off off off off off off Broadway remake of Sixteen Candles! I wanna be the pretty popular girlfriend of Jake Ryan who feeds birth control pills to Anthony Michael Hall! Jake Ryan is so hot ya’ll. He probably is sensitive and doesn’t mind baldies. He liked that redhaired girl and she didn’t even have any boobs and wore that straw hat the whole time. I’d just snort some meth off his dick and he’d definitely be into me. Did I just say that out loud? I was just kidding! Did I really say that out loud? Oh. Hot dogs taste funny ya’ll!
Ya’ll isn’t it weird how good socks feel? It’s like all warm and soft on my feet, like I’m running through a field of cotton balls. Isn’t it amazing that cotton balls actually grow out of plants? I’m from the South ya’ll and we have fields and fields of cotton balls. Hurricane Katrina destroyed all our cotton balls fields and that’s just not fair. At least New Orleans is all better!
Ya’ll you should really try my new perfume Fantasy. It smells like tiger juice and the stuff they wash the bathroom floor with at Hyde. I love that smell! I was all drunk out of my mind on amaretto sours and laid down on that bathroom floor and was just rolling around sniffing and decided THIS was gonna be my new parfum. Also tigers are sexy!
Check out these new lyrics I wrote in my notebook for my new album:
A B C D E F G-
What? Oh, it’s not? Oh. Ha ha ha! I was jokin’ again! Sigh. Okay we’ll I’m just gonna go eat my giant turkey leg that I bought at that pet store on the corner and go to bed. Yeah – Can you believe pet stores sell turkey legs!? I wonder why it keeps wiggling around?