What The Dick Is Wrong With Me?

Yesterday Anthony’s units des parentales took us to see the Radio City Christmas Spectacular featuring these hos:

The thing starts off with Santa rolling in on a sleigh. He may or may not have been being pulled buy 12 women dressed in sexy reindeer suits with poop-colored sequins. I do not know these details as I could not see through the tears spilling from my roasted chestnut shaped eyes (real beauties, I tell you).

I cried at the fucking Rockettes dance show. And it was not just a slight mist that could be whisked away with the flick of a stumpy finger. No, I wept so openly that I went through half of my CVS tissue pack only to have Anthony turn to say something mocking the show and exclaim in bewilderment, “Are you…CRYING?”

My mom has cancer, and so that alone makes every moment in life something to get all fucking weepy about. I cry when I take a dump for Christ’s sake. But these tears had built up because I kept watching grandfathers with their grandchildren (this is not going to get creepy), doing dances with them, swinging them around by their arms, tenderly caressing their – you get the picture. Kids with their families, Christmas, a fake Santa Claus surrounded by degraded midget actors…. TIME FOR TEARS!

Or perhaps, it was simply the fact that on our way into the show I spotted Michael Ian Black up ahead in the line with his wife and kids, looking real psyched to spend all that Sierra Mist dough on soda straws that double as light sticks for his kids.

Once my tears dried I got down to business enjoying the long-legged mind-blowing session of tapping and dancing in stick straight lines. Seriously, the Rockettes Rocked Ette. The precision and the tapping in unison and the costumes, it was really enjoyable and surprisingly enthralling to watch.

All this goodness was followed by the most Jesus-y-ist reenactment of the “Nativity Story”, which involved live camels, sheep and the flashes of Middle Americas bible-thumping Japanese made digital cameras. This was prefaced by some narrative that when summed up, basically said, “A W E! S O M E! HOW AWESOME IS HE? SIMPLY AWESOME!”

Amen.

I’m talking about you, Michael Ian Black.

And now I present to you The State sketch that I loved so much at 14 that it somehow inspired me deep inside to forsake my passion for veterinary arts and become a comedian.

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