If you read the first incarnation of this blog (b. 2004 – d. 2006) you know that my life was once consumed by one thing – the saga of the Season 1 & 2 Lagun-hos. I lived, breathed and farted Laguna Beach.
So when Season 3 rolled around I set my DVR to record and buckled in for the ride. And then the Lexus SUV that is Laguna Beach drove around the block at 20 miles per hour and I happily jumped out the side door, bored out of my mind.
Perhaps my new-found hatred of the latest Laguna season is because I’m more jaded these days due to my mother’s battle with cancer. It seems a bit shallow to sit and marvel at their bad taste in tank tops when my mom is getting pumped full of chemo, right?
Though I have no problem doing this during America’s Next Top Model, The Biggest Loser, Bridezillas, Made, Real World/Road Rules The Duel, etc etc etc. The Crappy List of Reality TV Shows That I Watch goes on and on.
Alas, cancer has NOT made me a better person.
Maybe it is because I’m getting older (27 and wrinkled!!!) and hate watching a bunch of 16 year-olds switch their Chanel and Dior sunglasses each day as they rummage around in their giant Louis Vuitton satchels searching for their Marc Jacobs coke containers.
On second thought, this is EXACTLY why I watch these shows, to fill myself with “I’m A Poor Twenty-Something Artist-ish Person” rage. I want Chanel sunglasses.
Here’s what I think it is.
Laguna Beach Season 3 is about as good as Real World Season Season 6: Boston. All the cast members are beat to look at and they’ve all figured out what gets them on TV. All the drama is pushed and fake just like their acrylics and stringy extensions.
Kendra and Cami are so desperate to be bitches that the shit that comes out of their Herpes-infected mouths sounds like they wrote it in their bedrooms while watching Season 2. All the guys on this season haved maxed out their Fugly Cards. Rocky looks like a 32 year old single mom leaving her job at Scores to go pick up her kid at day care. Tessa is that friend you have who you’re desperately trying to dump because she’s “nice” but has the personality of a cardboard box. Everyone has really bad roots.
Also, they are coke heads (See lower right corner of photographic evidence below).
I hate them all.
So I turn to the original Lagunites – Kristen and LC. These bitches know how to throw it down slut-style. Not only did they both knock boots with Stoner Steven through the first two seasons, LC has recently taken up with Kristen’s ex-boyfriend Brody “80s Hair” Jenner.
Not to be outdone, Kristen, who is desperate to maintain her dwindling Bongo-jeans selling fame, is now dating LC’s powder-nosed ex Jason. Jason who got arrested for coke possession and trying to bribe a cop right after leaving the only bar I hang out at on the night of the VMAS. The guy who all my peeps in the know tell me is a lunatic drunk who reeks of crappy cologne, menthols and trust fund.
Revenge sure is sweeter when it comes with whiskey dick.