You may not guess it, but even as I sit in front of the TV eating crappy Lean Cuisines and watching Oprah, I have numerous tumultuous struggles going on inside. You know – the war, poverty, protecting womens rights, and Lindsay Crazy Ass Coke Slut with Creepy Freckles and Amazing Clothes Lohan.
Sometimes I hate Lindsay so much, I excrete myself. Like when she was a big idiot crybaby for putting a million dollars worth of jewelry in a ugly orange Hermes bag and then losing it at Heathrow.
You’ve never once seen Lindsay cry in public about her crazy-dad being in jail, but when all her diamonds go missing, the freckled waterworks run.
But then Lindsay does something so adorable and cute, like wear Alcoholics Anonymous chips as jewelry!
Now, LL, I know you haven’t been off blow n’ Bacardi for Ninety Days, much less Ninety minutes. That’s why your statement is so cute and wonderful! You’re such a sassy lil teen!
I used to buy colored condoms and pin them to my linen Gap blazer as a hip style choice when I was in 8th grade. I GET THE LOOK LINDSAY! Shock us some more!
But then I am back to hating Lindsay.
Because of this:
THE TWO WORST POSES IN THE HISTORY OF STANDING IN FRONT OF YOUR BATHROOM MIRROR AND PRACTICING POSES!
A few notes:
- Your face is looking bloated from all those Cape Codders
- Open your eyes when you blow kisses, just like when you kiss 50 year old men that you don’t know
- Why do you have a pair of shredded stockings around your neck?
- Seriously NO MORE CAPE CODDERS
And then it just keeps going back and forth like this – two Lindsays whacking each other with their Balenciaga bags inside my brain. And HEART.
I have resolved recently that I must just learn to be at peace with my torment. Because it will never stop. Not with Halloween costumes like this:
Sigh. I love you.
JUST STOP IT NOW, WOMAN!